StarWreks Final script
From DotelTech
Version 1
Version 1.1 Road Trip, (Star Wrecks Spoilager Parody) Written by Andrew Baker. If your reading this and your not part of the cast or crew of starwrecks, I put a hex on your cat. May your innards turn against you and join the circus.
Copyright DataTwin Technology, Damascus productions, And all that other Rot 2001
- Cast:
- Main:
- Ltn Paris (Scott Davis)
- Capt. Pricard (Joe Klopp)
- Ltn Snorez (Megan ?)
- Ltn Turok (R2)
- ECH (Andrew Baker)
- ChickaDay (Tom Stolberg)
- Ensign Dim (whoever plays dim)
- Y (??)
- Minor Parts:
- Extra 1
- Stage Hand 1
- Stage hand 2
- Computer (Matt hood)
- Voice Overs:
- Narrator
- Snail 1
- Snail 2
- Main:
Overture
Star wars style opens. Displaying back to front credits.
In a Galaxy far far away,,,, No No No that is not right. In an blue screened apartment not so far away, an adventure of power, love, deception, bad humor and many wasted feet of blooper film was conceived. The stories, of hundreds films, books and weird dreams came together to create the Star Wrecks world.
We Join our heroes err cast flying in the gamma sector, approximately 3 years from ScarFleat space. After a rather embarrassing incident where Commander ChickaDay had to be forcefully removed from one of the very large giant inhabitance of the tropical world latex IV. The ship, now shunned in this region of space flies toward home, low on fuel, food, moral and little paper drink umbrellas.
[Star field pans away to show a crack in the fabric of space, possible wormhole] {drum music from 2001 playing}
Scene 1
[Cuts back to bar scene with the Turok, ChickaDay and the ECH drinking various drinks with little rain hats and coats]
ChickaDay: [ChickaDay looks at drink] what the hell is with the rain hat and coats bartender?
barkeep: Sorry sir we are bloody out of paper umbrellas, I'm doing the best I can, I'm a bartender damn it not a miracle worker.
Turok: Commander I'm afraid that the extended isolation and turbulent space of this sector is going to be detrimental to the crews health, both mental and physical.
ECH: Commander I would have to agree with my green blooded friend here, I personally am tried of treating space nausea, and cleaning up the various spots of space vomit
ChickaDay: Guys I would love your input on some kind of recreational activities we can have for the crew. We need some serious R&R, and there are no planets, star bases or for that matter space turds within 10 light years.
ECS: Perhaps we can have a clean your own damn vomit day? [Cut off by com system]
Pricard: Commander we are picking something up on the scanners, we need you on the bridge immediately.
Scene 2
[ChickaDay enters bridge]
Dim: Captain, sensors are picking up a really large black thing.
Pricard: On screen
[Screen remains black]
Pricard: Dim I said On screen,
Dim: I turned it on.
Pricard: Did you unplug it again to plug in your vibrating space wooggie doll?
Dim: No sir, not this time.
Turok: Sir I think we are zoomed all the way in.
Pricard: What the hell? Damnit Dim, zoom out.
Dim: Zooming out Captain
[Screen zooms out to show a black monolith from 2001 next to a spatial anomaly]
Dim: Holly crap that's one big Lego.
[Pricard slaps his forehead]
Pricard: Yellow alert, Commander I want the crew on their toes until we know exactly what that [pauses] umm Lego is.
[ship goes to yellow alert]
[cut scene to ship flying around "Lego"]
[cut back to bridge shot of Pricard]
Pricard: Scan the Lego Ltn Turok
Turok: Due to the immense size of the object scanning will take a few minutes.
Pricard: Do it and let me know when you know something about this Lego.
[captain leaves bridge]
Scene 3
[ECH is in the medical bay talking to an extra]
Extra: So doctor,
ECH: Please don't call me doctor, I'm an ECH.
Extra: Well I can't just call you ECH it's to difficult to say.
ECH: well I never have thought about it before. But I have not been programmed to have a name. I simply was designed to clean up messes.
Extra: Well I guess you will have to come up with a name that fits your personality.
ECH: How about SPIFF?
Extra: How about not.
ECH: Oh all right, it's not easy making a name for yourself you know.
Extra: Well keep at it Mr. ECH
[fade out]
Scene 4
[Insert LOST REEL Notice HERE]
Scene 5
[Back to the bridge with Turok working over a console]
Turok: Turok to Pricard
[cut to waiting room]
Pricard: What did you find Turok.
(voice Turok): Upon the scan of the "Lego" we found something quite interesting if not quite possibly terrifying.
Pricard: You mind telling me what the hell that means?
(voice Turok): I think you should come to the bridge to see this.
Scene 6
[Pricard enters bridge]
Pricard: Ok what is this oddity you must show me.
Turok: Well after scanning it with everything that we have we found nothing. All scans are either absorbed or deflected off. I considered sending dim out there with a bicorder to take readings but we all remember what he did in the last space suit.
Pricard: If we can't scan it or send someone out how the hell do we know anything about it?
Turok: We turned it over and looked on the bottom and found this. [shows close up of MADE IN USA]
Pricard: What the hell is USA? Some alien being?
Turok: The USA was a continent on earth, that consisted of a large portion of the united federation of continents.
Pricard: Your telling me this thing came from earth?
Turok: well we can't conclude anything at this point in time but we also found a button on it.
Pricard: A Button?
Turok: Yes, Approximately 2.7 Kilometers wide.
Pricard: We MISSED? A 2.7 KILOMETER BUTTON?
Turok: Well it was not like it was lighted up or anything.
Pricard: Any idea what it does
Turok: Well that is the terrifying part, the label says. "Push for Super Duper fast shortcut to earth"
[Shows Pricard jaw drop]
Pricard: Well it's obviously a trap, do they really think that we would press that button?
Turok: [Dim sneezes hard in background] I suggest caution and do further scans until we know who put the Lego out there.
[Dim sneezes again harder] - [firing phasers on accident]
Pricard: Damn it dim, watch what you are doing. you almost blew off a chunk of that Lego. and we don't want to piss off the kind of kid that has that as a toy.
Paris: Perhaps we can send a shuttle in for a closer look at [Dim goes into a sneezing fit and fires 3 torpedoes, 1 nailing the Lego right in the button, insert visual effects of Lego swallowing spoilage, entering wormhole and exiting right above earth orbit] [Cut to scene of stunned crew]
Pricard: Will somebody stuff dim in a photon torpedo tube and jettison his ass out of here. Paris what the hell happened and where the hell are we now?
Paris: Umm Sir, the lego ate us, took us for a spin in a spacial anomaly, spit us out and disappeared. [Pauses pressing console] It looks like we are in orbit around earth, but judging by the star patterns in the sky and radio decay I would guess we have arrived in the year 2751 give or take 500 years.
Turok: Captain a giant spiral ship is approaching us, or earth at a very rapid rate.
Dim: It looks like a giant cinnamon Bun
Pricard: First Giant logos, Now giant cinnamon buns? And didn't I order him jettisoned?
Scene 7
[Scene cut to engineering]
[Snorez opens up panel and a bunch of wiggles (TRIBBLES) pop out]
Snorez: AHHHHH I HATE WIGGLES, Snorez to Pricard, we have wiggles on the ship. hundreds of them. [snorez is kicking wiggles left and right]
(voice Pricard): wiggles? Lego's? cinnamon buns? the year 2751? what the fuck is going on here? I smell the work of a impotent being.
Snorez: Y?
(voice Pricard): Be cause of all the strange things that are happening you sleepy twit.
Snorez: no I meant Y the impotent being.
(voice Pricard): Oh (O)
Snorez: No Y sir.
(voice Pricard): Damit just flush out the wiggles and get to the bridge
Snorez: How?
(voice Pricard): I don't care how. just do it.
Snorez: Got it.
[Snorez sprays wiggle be-gon into panel, cut scene]'
[Commercial]
Scene 8
[bridge scene with whole crew gathering]
Pricard: We have a situation here crew, We have evidently been brought home, dropped into the wrong time, by a giant Lego, we have wiggles on the ship, Dim's stuck in the torpedo tube so weapons are off line. There is a possibility of an impotent being playing with us, and there is an unknown breakfast pastry flying toward us at high speed.
Turok: Approximately 2.64 hours sir.
ECH: Sir I really do not see what an impotent being is going to do with us. After all he can't be that dangerous if he is impotent.
Pricard: You evidently have never dealt with him before, he is one slippery devil.
ECH: Slippery? Whose He?
Pricard: Y
ECH: Because I want to know what we are up against.
Pricard: [angry] Y is the impotent being, I don't know is his wife and who is his son.
ECH: I thought you knew.
Pricard: I told you Y is the impotent being, I don't know is his wife and who is his son.
ECH: Because I want to know who is trying to trick or test us. Captain the crew is under enough stress right now, they don't need mind games, so please tell me what I have to deal with.
Pricard: I'm telling you. Y is the bastard that is testing us I don't know is his wife and who is his son.
ECH: Who is his son?
Pricard: Yes
ECH: Yes what? who is his son?
Pricard: Correct?
ECH: What is correct?
Pricard: Your right who is his son.
ECH: Oh forget the son. I still don't know who is his wife.
Pricard: NO I don't know is the wife, Who is the son.
ECH: I'm going to beat you with my golden mop award in a second. Can someone tell me who we are dealing with.
Turok: I do not believe we are dealing with who, but Y.
ECH: huh? this is making my subroutines hurt.
[Y appears in middle of crew]
ECH: Who are you?
Y: No I am Y but Some people think I look like Who, There is alot of family resemblance but who has i don't know's nose.
ECH: Who's nose? Huh? I don't know who huh? umm [ECH stops talking and starts counting fingers while mumbling to himself]
Y: Who has I don't knows nose, you know?
ECH: Captain, when somebody decides to speak at least one of the 200 standard galactic languages please reactivate me. [ECH disappears]
Pricard: Y, Why have you brought us here? and for what reason?
Y: no what has nothing to do with it. He prefers never to enter the mortal world.
Pricard: OK lets start over.
Turok: That would be a bad idea captain, if we start over we will have to go though the whole thing with Y, I don't know and who again. And now evidently there is a What. and I'm afraid our poor ECH will format himself if this continues.
Pricard: All right. Y, get to the point. What do you want?
Y: Well I was looking though earths history and it would appear you little earthlings have made a little mistake.
Pricard: What?
Y: I told you he has nothing to do with this. This is between Me, I don't know and who.
[ECH materializes and bitch slaps Y, then disappears]
Y: [looks shocked but shakes it off] ok ok, let me explain. In humans race to become the most dominant species on earth, they killed off a species that was left there millions of years before humans. THAT would be the flying pastry ship heading toward us.
Pricard: Explain
Turok: Well during this time there were many species on earth that were obliterated and became extinct. We probably killed off a whale or something that came to earth millions of years ago.
Y: Oh don't be preposterous, who would ever send a whale to earth? There is no way for a whale to be sentient.
Pricard: Well what are they after.
Y: They are trying to find out why they lost contact with their settlers on this planet. And you better be careful they are a quick thinking and easy to turn violent.
[Snorez head hits the conference table where she falls asleep, each line a trail of drool gets longer moving down the table]
Turok: it's reasonable to believe that humans may have wiped out several sentient species. But what are we going to do about it.
Y: Well I suggest you find a way to bring this species back, or this species will be exterminating the human species like an infestation of wiggles
Pricard: But, why?
Y: No butt's just do it [Y disappears]
ChickaDay: FUCK we don't even know what species it is.
Turok: Well I can analyze the ships communication for possible matches in earths history.
Pricard: Do it, get back to me when you have answers. And get the ECH in here to clean up all this drool.
ChickaDay: Computer activate the ECH
[ECH appears]
ECH: I hope you have decided to make some sense now.
ChickaDay: listen doctor just clean up the drool on the table and I think the hull needs a good buffing.
ECH: Don't call me doctor, it's not my name, and you can buff this [doctor goes to moon ChickaDay,, but Snorez wakes up and interrupts him]
ChickaDay: then what exactly shall we call you Mr. ECH?
ECH: ummm I'll get back to you on that.
Scene 9
Snorez: [handing ball of fur to Dim] here Dim I though you would like a pet. The are easy to take care of and are very cuddly.
Dim: WOW my own pet, I'll name him Fluffy.
Snorez: It's a her. Enjoy, just remember, never feed it after midnight or get it wet.
Dim: I got it. Thanks
Snorez: NO problem [evil grin when she turns away]
Scene 10
[Cut scene of Turok looking though picture books from earth]
Turok: Captain, I believe I have found the species we are looking for.
Pricard: Excellent what is it?
Turok: The brown nose, African sparrow dog snail.
Pricard: THE WHAT?
Turok: (speaking slowly) The Brown nose, African sparrow dog snail. A small spiral creature about 1 inch long that lived primarily in the western mountain ranges in north America.
Pricard: If it lives in north America why is it an African umm whatever. and what the hell is a snail anyways.
[Dim enters room]'
Turok: it's a small little living bugger that lives in a small spiral casing for a home.
Dim: so like a really tinny cinnamon roll.
Turok: umm yes you can say that.
Pricard: More pastry? Anyways. what happened to them.
Turok: Evidently they were hunted to death in the early 21st century.
Pricard: People were hunting breakfast pastry's? WHY?
Turok: Lets not think about him now.
ECH: Not this y shit again.
Pricard: What do you think we can do?
Turok: I suggest we go back to 2002 and get us some breakfast rolls.
Pricard: snails?
Snorez: Breakfast snails?
ECH: Snorez go back to sleep
Turok: yes we are looking for snails
Pricard: how?
Turok: Time warp of course. We did it before, when you left the dirty pictures of you and the admirals wife in his shuttle and we had to go get them back.
Pricard: Make it so?
Dim: Sew? forgive me but why does sewing have any thing to do with this.
Pricard: Put him back in the torpedo tube damit. and prepare the ship for time warp
Scene 11
[Dim approaches Snorez with a bald wiggle]
Dim: You gave me a dead wiggle
Snorez: Don't be ridiculous she is in perfect health
Dim: this wiggle wiggles no more., it's wiggleless, an ANTI-WIGGLE
Snorez: It just has a problem with it's fur, it's fine. give it some milk and it will be plying in no time.
Dim: This Wiggle is stiff as a tritaniaum naccel support.
Snorez: She is quite alright, look she's getting better
Dim: She's cold dead
Snorez: Look she feels better, happy she's happy.
Dim: This is a DEAD wiggle, if you hadn't glued it's hair on, she's be a naked dead wiggle. She 's a wiggle with no wiggle, there is no life in this wiggle, This wiggle is a morty-wiggle. If this wiggle was any more deceased it would be a wiggled. THIS my friend is a DEAD, NON-LIVING, wiggle.
Snorez: Well maybe it's sleepings
DIM: IT'S DEAD, that is unless it's a very cold narcoleptic wiggle.
Snorez: Well maybe it is.
Dim: Narcoleptic?
Snorez: Possible, yes that's it.
Dim: Oh ok. [Cuddles wiggle, chunk of wiggle falls off, Dim smiles and skips off happy]
Scene 12
[Crew getting ready for time warp Paris is sitting down at con]
Paris: Captain we are ready for time warp anytime your ready.
Pricard: Do it now then.
Chickaday: [To crew] prepare the ship for time warp. Shutdown the holodecks, close the gambling hall, buckle up the polar bears, duct tape the cracked windows, and close the 3 ring circus.
Paris: Preparing for time warp, Engines, Check, Nacelles, Check, Ion Deliberator, Check, Base beat, check, lyrics, check, GO. [time warp from rocky horror picture show plays with crew doing dance while ship time warps]
Scene 13
[NEW SCENE] - Scene maybe omitted if mo butt emitter is introduced in episode 2 or 3
36D: 36D to ECH
VOICE ECH: ECH here, how can I help you 36?
36D: Can you meet me in astro-laytex, I have something I want to give you.
VOICE ECH: On my way
[ECH ENTER SCENE]
ECH: What do you have to show me?
36D: Well You would be the best person to go down to the surface to find the snails, being an expert in finding slimy things and well biology right?
ECH: 36, you know I can't leave the ship, I'm trapped on this decaying junk heap for life.
36D: What if I told you I have found a way to get around that
ECH:I'd kiss you.
36D: And I would strand you back on the ship again mr.
ECH: Have you really found a way for me to escape? Err I mean leave the ship?
36: Yes with this. [Holds up item about the size of a pack of cigarettes with belt attached]
ECH: What is it?
36D: Well you place it around your waist like this, [attaches it to ECH so pack is right on his butt]
ECH: What does it do?
36: Well it's a MOBUTT emitter, a portable holographic emitter so you can go anywhere you want.
ECH: That is amazing 36, what powers it?
36: Well that is the only drawback it needs an external power source until I can design a smaller version. [Hands him a large backpack with one big Duracell battery on it]
ECH: YIKES that's one big battery.
36: Well Mr. ECH you need a lot of power. You have a very large, ummm subroutine to run there.
ECH: Thank you 36. I owe you a chunk of my happiness.
Scene 14
[Ships is now around a the planet earth once again]
[Pricard wiping lipstick off his lips while holding a leather jumpsuit says];;
Pricard: God I hate time warp. When did we arrive?
Paris: I'm picking up Atlantis Moriset on the radio, I'm guessing about 2002.
Dim: Starting scan for little breakfast pastry's captain.
Pricard: good.
Dim: Found them. They are located in a building called Krispy Kream.
Pricard: What's Krispy Cream? Some kind of animal preserve?
'Turok: Looking it up now [Pauses] Captain I do believe Dim should go back to the tube, he scanned for donuts.
Pricard: Turok, scan for SNAILS the north American African variety. WITHOUT SPRINKLES
Turok: Scanning. [Pauses] Found them sir. I found a family of them in the sierra Nevada's.
Pricard: ChickaDay, prepare a away team, Snorez I need you to convert the largest cargo bay into a holding tank for those snails
Snorez: Captain we are gathering snails not whales. I don't think we need to convert a cargo bay, I think I have a large jar we can use.
Pricard: Just do it.
Snorez: Yes Captain
Scene 15
[On sight in mountains]
[ChickaDay and ECH are on surface]
[ECH LANDS IN BRIGHT PURPLE JUMPSUIT]
ChickaDay: Umm Doc, err Mr. ECH. Damit when are you going to get a name.
ECH: I dunno. I'm still thinking about it. What do you think?
ChickaDay: I think that someone has played with your program. Do you realize your PINK?
ECH: [ECH looks at self] Oh god, Snorez must have tried to get back at me for not warming the instruments during her last physical. She can be on hell of a bitch.
(Voice Pricard): Will you two shut up and get the damn snails
ChickaDay: Yes Captain Prick.......ard
[ECH and ChickaDay are shown scanning for snails. ECH is now in normal uniform]
ECH: Commander there appears to be a shuttle a few hundred paces from here.
ChickaDay: ChickaDay to Pricard, it appears we are not alone here, a average sized shuttle has been found about 200 yards from here around the clearing. Should we investigate?
(Voice Pricard) Go ahead but just take it easy, I don't need roasted crewman, Your not wearing red are you?
ChickaDay: [Chickaday looks down at red shirt and shrugs] understood ChickaDay out
ECH: How about David?
ChickaDay: HUH?
ECH: For my name? You like David?
ChickaDay: I don't care about your name right now, lets find that shuttle, get some snails and get the hell out of here. [Stop talking looks down at arm] Well at least SOME of the wildlife is friendly, this little bug is giving me a hug.
ECH: That's a wood tick, I guess it's sampling a little foreign cuisine.
[ChickaDay slaps off tick and screams like a woman]
ChickaDay: ok now I really want to hurry this up.
[ChickaDay and ECH move towards "shuttle"]
ECH: Pricard, we have found the shuttle. it' appears to be of an unknown class but it's identification is CHEVEROLET. See if Turok can run that across know species.
(voice Turok): The databases are off line right now, Dim received an unknown email and opened the VBS attachment, and took out our systems with a nasty worm virus named Kelly. I'll get back to you on the shuttle, suggest caution for now.
ECH: Caution is my middle name
ChickaDay: you don't have a name you photonic freak
ECH: Party Pooper
[ECH picks us stick and pokes the "shuttle"/ alarm goes off, ECH jumps behind bush]
ChickaDay: It would appear we have angered the superior technology here. Perhaps we should continue on.
[ECH and ChickaDay walk farther into the forest scanning for snails]
Scene 16
[Snorez is working on plans for a huge tank to hold the snails]
[Shows hallway with tool and Snorez walks off set, we hear sounds of tools and machines being used. Dim walks into frame looks at tools and picks one up, walks off screen, we hear a buzz, and a large/loud crash, and Snorez screams. Shows Snorez throwing dim out of the picture]
Snorez: You dimwitted buffoon, you just ruined 4 hours of work.
Dim: I'm sorry I was just trying to help
Snorez: Well don't, Get back in your torpedo tube dim.
Scene 17
[ECH and ChickaDay come across the home of the snails]
ChickaDay: Doc, err MR. ECH I think I found them in this hole
[ECH Goes over to the hole and looks in]
ECH: Cute little guys aren't they? I wonder how we tell the male and females apart. I assume we need at least one of both.
(voice Snail 1)e'llo
ECH: [looks away from hole toward chickaday] did you say something commander?
(voice Snail 1) e'llo
[ECH LOOKS into hole]
ECHO: DID YOU JUST SAY HELLO?
Snail 1: No I said e'llo but tis close enough
ECH/ChickaDay: YOU TALK?
Snail 1: Of course I can talk, I'm an English teacher?
ECH: Commander something must be wrong with my audio subroutines, I'm hearing the snail talk to me.
Snail 1: Your subroutines are working just fine, but if you want you can come inside and the misses an do a diagnostic.
ECH: Um I think I'll pass. I don't like umm little snails playing with my subroutines.
Snail 1: No hurt feelings, your not from around here are you?
Snail 2 (wife) : No dear there are no holograms here, remember, always forgetting how primitive this planet is. You see my husband can be a little forgetful sometimes.
Snail 1: Oh don't listen to her, My mind is sharp as a tack. So what you travelers doing here anyways?
ChickaDay: Well It would appear we need to take a few of you guys back with us to our time.
Snail 1: good heavens what in the world for?
Snail 2: I bet it has to do with those damn radical government types, I bet they send out one of those nasty purge ships.
ChickaDay: Purge ships?
Snail 1: Aye, our leaders tried to transplant many of us on hundreds of worlds, but if things go wrong they think they should be able to just destroy all the life on the planet.
Snail 2: they are just brutes, I wish the military did not control the government, Most of us are very mild mannered, except for those in control.
ChickaDay: Will you come back with us and answer their call? You know so they don't kill off all the inhabitance of earth?
Snail 1: Wait shouldn't their be some us in that time line to answer the purge ship?
ECH: well it would appear that in a few years your species will be hunted to extinction.
Snail 2: Oh honey, that is awful. I always knew they would be jealous of our good looks.
ECH: ummm
ChickaDay: We wish to offer our apology on the behalf of the human race, we want to offer you a whole habitat and pretty much anything you want. We need to repopulate the world with you guys.
Snail 1: WHOA honey we are going to get to repopulate the planet? Just the two of us?
Snail 2: Oh yeah like it takes you 7 hours to make your move. If we live to be 100 years old we will have like 2 kids max.
ChickaDay: So we will need a lot of you little guys?
Snail 2: Well honey I think we should do it, it's for a good cause.
Snail 1: Ok I'm in. Let the snail loving begin.
ECH: Ok guys we need to you contact all your snail friends that are interested in taking this trip
Snail 1: Roger Wilco
ECH: who?
Snail 1: Not a who, but a saying.
ECH:' I like it
Snail 1: Like what?
ECH: That name. I think I will use that as my name. [looks proud and says with echo] I'm ROGER WILCO SPACE JANITOR AND MEDIC EXTRODANAR
[ChickaDay Rolls eyes]
ChickaDay: ChickaDay to Prick hole err Pricard. We are ready to beam up, Breakfast pastries to follow.
Scene 18
[Dim is talking with Pricard and Turok in ready room]
Dim: [staring STAIGHT AT CAMERA saying ALL commands that he is support to act out] I've come up with a wonderful, dim looks inspirational idea for the breakfast pastries. dim turns to Pricard. Pricard eyes go wide.
[Pricard cocks head at dim, Turok raises eyebrow]
Pricard: [whispers to Turok] What the hell is this idiot doing?
Turok: I think he's reading the cue cards.
Pricard: Cue cards?
Turok: I think he thinks this is some kind of scripted parody of something much more important and practical.
Pricard: Like there is any chance of that happening!
Dim: I think we should have a big banquet for our breakfast pastries guests. I've gotten Potato chips, porkrines, salted pretzels, salt licks, margaritas and saltines all laid out for their arrival.
Pricard: wow Dim you did something right for a change [Turok leans over and whispers in Pricard ear] [yells] DIM YOU IDIOT ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL THEM? SNAILS DIE WHEN THEY EAT SALT.
Dim: Dim looks down sad, Do you want me to go into the torpedo tube again?
Pricard: No just get out of here and find something productive to do.
Dim: You want me to have a baby?
Pricard: baby? NO PRODUCTIVE NOT PROCREATE.
Dim: Well I want to have a baby.
Pricard: Well then talk to the ECH.
Scene 19
[Pricard, Paris, and Snorez]
Pricard: Is the containment system ready Snorez?
Snorez: ZZZZzz,
Pricard: WAKEUP
Snorez: Huh? oh what?
Pricard: Are we ready to transport several thousand breakfast pastries?
Snorez: I would love some cream cheese pastries right now,
Pricard: THE SNAILS YOU NIT WIT
Snorez: Well we WERE almost completed with the habitat in the cargo bay but a certain ensign ruined it., So we converted this certain ensign's quarters into a home for our guests.
Paris: [smiles] Well We always knew he would get someone in his bed eventually.
Pricard: Dear god, I don't want to know details people. NO DETAILS
[Commercial]
Scene 20
[Roger (ECH) walks in and sits down]
Roger: Captain, the snails are being boarded right now. There have been a few complaints about the intelligence of the roommates tho.
;Turok:' Dim's complaining about the intelligence of the snails? WOW didn't think he was capable of something like that.
Roger: Actually it's the snails that were complaining. Evidently one challenged dim to a game of chess 40 minutes ago, and he's still on his first move.
Turok: Oh yes, I believe he's still on his first move in COWTOE, and that game started 4 years ago.
Roger: Oh yes, I remember that, I had to remove that from Dim's eye a few months ago.
Turok: Wait...how the hell did he.....Never mind, I don't want to know.
Paris: Actually I believe that was my fault, I think I told him, to use his brain to move the pieces. He took it a little too literal. how did he even make it into scar fleet?
Pricard: Well somebody's father is a rather high admiral.
[Y enters room]
Y: it's Y
Pricard: Y!
Turok: Y!
Snorez: Y!
Paris: Y!
Roger: [slaps for head] I'm leaving [leaves]
Y: I see you found my little friends and are taking then back, but I do think you are forgetting something.
Pricard: Why?
Y: What?
Snorez: [Shakes head] I think I'll join Mr. ECH.
Turok: You mean Roger
Snorez: Who is Roger?
Y: No who is my son
Snorez: I don't know a Roger
Y: No, I don't know is my wife.
Paris/Pricard: ROGER?
Turok: Yes the ECH choose a name for himself, He calls him self [ECHO] ROGER WILCO [crew looks around for where echo came from]
Pricard: Oh well then Roger I guess. But I just lost my place. Where were we? [Is handed a script book from off stage, he looks at it, hands it back and continues, rest of crew and Y look at each other oddly]
Turok: Why do I feel like we are in some galactic comedy [boom mic gets lowered into frame, nobody notices]
Y: Captain if I may interrupt, about your mistake.
Pricard: What mistake?
Y: No What didn't make a mistake, You did.
Pricard: AHHGHGGGGg ok, and that would be?
Y: Well if you remove the snails now, won't you be altering the time line?
Turok: that is true, but I say logic dictates that we are fucked either way so screw the timeline.
Pricard: I agree, anyone else?
Paris: Screw it.
Snorez: Screw it.
Y: Oh well, why the hell not, I want to get back to doing I don't know anyways.
Snorez: You don't know who your doing?
Paris, Pricard, Y, computer, ChickaDay, and 2 stage hands: NO Y IS THE IMPOTENT BEING, WHO IS HIS SON AND I DON'T KNOW IS HIS WIFE
[Snorez gets up, growls and leaves]
Snorez: I'm definitely going to find, umm Roger.
Pricard: Paris prepare for Time Warp.
[Rocky horror music starts]
Pricard: And this time, leave me out of this sick leather transvestite fetish you have.
[Rocky horror music stops]
[shows ship going though time warp thingy, exiting around planet with giant space pastry]
Scene 21
Pricard: Get that snail on the comm. channel to talk to the ship [ship rocks]
Turok: We were fired on
Pricard: Evasive Maneuvers Paris
[Paris jumps down and rolls into a ball]
Pricard: Of the Ship you idiot
Paris: Oh, executing maneuvers now
Pricard: Raise those blue sparkly things that go around the ship that stop bad things from hitting us
ChickaDay: Shields?
Pricard: yes shields, raise those things
Turok: Raising shields
Pricard: Arm the torpedo tubes.
Voice Snorez: Sorry sir torpedoes are offline, Dim did something disgusting in there.
Pricard: don't tell me what please.
voice Snorez: Even if I knew what, I don't think you would not want to know Snorez out.
ChickaDay: The snails are ready to talk to the Purge ship
Pricard: Good Get them on the line.
Snail 1: Purge ship. This is counselor Squirt drip drip slime the III Please lower your weapons and go home.
[Ship get his again]
Pricard: Phasers? can we use those?
Snail 1: Hey they are not answering. Stupid ship must be malfunctioning.
Pricard: Where are my damn phasers?
Turok: [ship gets hit again] They are located on the front, and rear of the ship.
Pricard: Yes Yes I know that, but why in the name of Zeus's butt hole can't I use them?
Voice Snorez: Because Remember when I requested 22 gallons of superglue and you turned down the request?
Pricard: Yes what does that have to do with anything.
Voice Snorez: They were for the Phasers, They fell off during the last time warp.
Pricard: Why did anyone tell me?
[Y appears]
Y: leave me out of this
[Computer appears again and bitchslaps Y then leaves]
[Y leaves]
ChickaDay: We did tell you.
Pricard: Oh well what do we have?
Paris: We have the Lacrosse team, we can put them in the shuttle bay and have then throw high speed balls at them!
Pricard: Oh Well Do it.
Paris: That was a joke sir.
computer: Lacrosse team to shuttle bay 1, Lacrosse team to shuttle bay 1
Paris: Sir, as in I was not serious, Joke, ummm
Pricard: Lacrosse team., aim for giant breakfast pastry
Paris: CAPTAIN ARE YOU SERIOUS? I WAS JOKING.
Pricard: Fire One
[Bunch of ball fly from Spoilager at pastry]
Turok: They are heading to target. estimated time of impact, 12 minutes
Pricard: 12 minutes? Why so long?
Paris: My guess would be that our lacrosse team does not have powerful enough throw. perhaps we can get them to move closer?
Pricard: Have the Lacrosse team get closer.
Paris: What?
[Roger walks into bridge]
Roger: I have an idea, Remember that star generator thing we picked up after episode 1?
Pricard: Yes what about it?
Roger: Lets use it to blow up that Pastry!
Pricard: [looks at roger closely] When the hell did you go blond?
Roger: I don't know, sometime between episode 2 and 3 I think. but about that generator?
Pricard: Do it, have Snorez get it ready, I feel like having TOASTED pastries.
ChickaDay: Umm Captain, do you remember what the star generator does?
Pricard: Of course, It will make that ship into a big ball of fire. A little mini sun. That would destroy that thing
ChickaDay: Do you really think having a sun in earths orbit would be a good thing for well, EARTH?
Pricard: Good point. lets just draw it away from earth. How does Jupiter sound. nobody needs Jupiter do they?
ChickaDay: Well I guess It won't matter in our time line. so lets do it.
Pricard: Paris, head to Jupiter. we are going to cook us a pastry.
Paris: Your serious?
Pricard: Engage
Paris: Ok Engaging
Scene 22
[Ship flies toward Jupiter]
Pricard: Snorez what is the status of the torpedo tubes?
Voice Snorez: Working on them now captain, I found a dirty magazine of Dim's in the injector manifolds and a pair of his unmentionables in the flux capacitor.
Pricard: Well don't mention them please
Snorez: Should have them online in a few more minutes
Pricard: you have 20 seconds Snorez
Turok: Actually she has 6.2 minutes
Pricard: Oh you have 6.2 minutes Snorez
Turok: point 1 now
Pricard: Point 1 now.
Snorez: I got it, I don't want a bloody count down.
Paris: We are approaching Jupiter sir, Should we fly up Uranus?
[Cut is heard from off camera]
Narrators voice: Ok guys, Redo that scene, There will be NO Uranus jokes. We have a responsibility to keep the lowbrow humor above the waist at least, Take it from scene 72.
[Crew looks around at each other like the don't know where the hell that came from]
Narrator: Action.
Paris: [said slowly unsure of himself looking around confused] ummm we are approaching Jupiter captain, should we fly closer (said with question tone while looking off stage)
Pricard: [also said unsure and confused] err yeah, umm that would be dandy.
Turok: Incoming pastry.
Pricard: Snorez, are your tubes working yet?
'Voice Snorez: My tubes? My tubes were tied after that weekend on Urethra Prime.
'Pricard: [Giggly] yeah I remember that [Clears thought] Err I Meant the torpedo tubes Snorez.
Voice Snorez: Oh of course. They are coming online right now.
Pricard: Get that generator down to the torpedo room.
Roger: it's already there, that's the only place we could stick the damn thing.
Pricard: Get that thing in the tube
Voice Snorez: Done
Pricard: Fire
[balls flying from cargo bay]
Pricard: I meant the star generator not the lacrosse team
Turok: Firing
[Bridge glows white]
Turok: Impact, The ship is falling into Jupiter, I suggest we get the hell out of here
Pricard: Make way for earth.
[Ship fly's away from Jupiter on fire]
Scene 23
[Y appears]
Y: Congratulations Captain you have saved the earth from near total minimal injury from the purge ship. Granted you turned Jupiter into a giant ball of fire, that will now give earth almost 24hrs of light a day. But you did a good job bringing back a extinct species.
Pricard: And about us getting home?
Y: Oh yes [y blinks like Jennie and ship goes back home, Y disappears]
Turok: Captain we are home, correct time line, place, and I see no weirdness in scanner range. Also Jupiter is not on fire.
Pricard: Well I guess we helped save humanity, we have gotten home and now we can get more little paper umbrellas.
Turok: Incoming transmission from ScarFleat.
Voice Admiral: Umm welcome back Spoilager, we were hoping, errr thinking we would never see you again. I will warn, err I mean alert your family that you have returned. pull in orbit for some R&R and ScarFleat will have a new mission for you. Admiral xx out.
Pricard: you know what these means don't you?
Paris: Well we have gotten home, and our story has ended, My guess is full length movies are coming up?
Roger: This can not be the end! I just got my name.
Pricard/ChickaDay: Shut up Roger
Paris: Entering Orbit now. We are home
[Cheering on ship, bottle of champain being poped, steamers flying]
[Fade to star field]
Prologue
[narrator]
Our heroes have faced 4 years of death, destruction, animated and cgi peril, love, sex, drink, lots and lots of drinks, and alot of fun on their quest. The quest has come to an end, our heroes have come home to loving family members. Kinda ok, family members, no? friends? People they knew? classmates? oh for god sakes at least they are back on earth. Right?
But what happened to the crew we loved? Well Thanks to Y! We have the answers. Well Captain Prichard was promoted to admiral and is running a spice mining operation where he being held in high regards with his crew. Commander ChickaDay after having to serve under of the direction of countless idiots, assholes and jerk offs, took an extended leave from ScarFleat and is teaching survival skills to primitive society of monkey like creatures on a forest moon of undar. Paris and Snorez have gotten married and started a family in France.. They had a beautiful baby boy named Hampton, the labor lasted 30 hours, but Snorez was asleep for almost all of it. Ensign dim took a job as a warp core assembler but was later fired when he dropped a hotdog into a reactor almost causing a very bad thing. Dim however is now 4 months into the pregnancy of his new child, thanks to an experiment led by Roger. Roger the ECH has gone on a crusade to free the other oppressed holograms all over the alpha quadrant, he has become rather popular with the lady's with his rather large program attachments Wink. Lt. Turok has abandoned the stuffy logical ways and lives his life with the motto, live life like a party on a pot farm in Iowa. Y, I don't know and Who, went on to pester a whole new crew, This crew happens to be comprised of rather irritable klingons. 36D is now modeling new ScarFleat uniforms. Although the crew gets together once a month for reunions, they have gone their separate ways, that is until fate brings them back together............To be continued
We would like to thank the following people and companies for gracefully allowing us to make fun of them
Pair-a-mount Studios Mirror o max Studios 12th Centry Fox Letgo Company - Whoever the hell makes Legos Napsico - Breakfast pastries Laborinth - David Bowy loves talking worms Gene Boysenberry - Creator of StarTrek Steven Speilbergo - Creator of Star Wars Author C. Bark - Creator of 2001 a space oddity Ken and Roberta Trillions - Creators of Sierra Offline Sierra Offline - Now under new ownership (SAD FACE) Abba and Costco - Why? Because? I don't know Mark Royal Crown - One of the two guys form Andromeda (Space Quest) Scott Muffy - the Other half of the Andromeda duo Dennis Pee - Story line for labyrinth Mel Books - Well I'm sure he did something. Monty-Pylon - This wiggle is no more – Need more Pylons All the people that know us - For not running away. AMDEEE - Providing Computing power for our CGI 4Com - Scripts were written and edited on palm pilot units
Special Note: All company's and individuals that now want to sue us. (please don't) It's a parody, WE ARE SUPPOST TO MAKE FUN OF YOU. But if you liked this and want to send us money, well unfortunately you can't do that either, BUT, we can accept toys, Computers, gadgets, trinkets, and dinners at nice steak houses. YUMM TGI-THURSDAYS